Double Merde!
by rayeux
Summary: It has never has, never been, and never will be the best idea to do whatever a drunk Serena says. Even if she calls you a Cabbage Patch, a man-whore, a social climber or a druggie. Waldass :P


**Disclaimer:**

Again, I don't own Gossip Girl and the other brands mentioned here. If I did, I'd be effing rich and I wouldn't have to go to school and I wouldn't be writing this.

**Summary:**

It has never has, never been, and never will be the best idea to do whatever a drunk Serena says. Even if she calls you a Cabbage Patch, a man-whore, a social climber or a druggie. The only good thing is that they didn't do what Serena said they should do.

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**Double Merde! **

by Ashlie Rayeux

(a.k.a. rayeux)

"Hello? Humphrey? It's Blair. I need you to come over now. Your girlfriend is drunk again." _Beep._

"Nate, it's Blair. I need some help with Serena…..Yes, she's drunk." _Beep._

"…..No, Bass. I don't need any sexual favors today. Serena's drunk and I am in need of your assistance…..Yes, please bring some gin. We're all out." _Beep._

"Little J, your perspective sister-in-law is drunk out of her mind. Do please come over at once…..And yes, there will be alcohol." _Beep._

Blair leaned back on her chair and sighed. The chocolate-haired girl shut her eyes for a while to rest. _Serena is my best friend_, she thought. _I have to do her a favor and sober her up before Mrs Van der Woodsen arrives, especially after everything she's done for me. _The door suddenly burst open. "Blair!"

"Nate," she greeted. "That was pretty quick. Can I get you anything?" The boy simply shook his head. "No thanks. I've had enough from the club across the street." Blair's eyes widened. "What was that you said, Archibald?" she asked slowly. Nate took a step backwards. "Please, Blair. Calm down. I didn't mean to say that. It's just that sometimes, you can be a real bitch and-"

Blair raised her palm and it collided with her boyfriend's cheek.

"I think you should stop talking now," Dan addressed Nate and waved to Blair as his greeting. "Where's Serena?"

"She's upstairs," the Waldorf heiress said without taking her glare off Nate. "I'll be there as soon as I finish dealing with Nathaniel here." Dan shrugged and went up the stairs, knowing full well that it was never good to defy Blair. He stared at the hallway that opened before him, wanting to kick himself for forgetting to ask the hostess where her room was. Dan was about to turn back and ask Blair before he heard her yelling things at Nate.

"Damn it, Archibald! I can't believe that you wouldn't even lie to me!"

"Why would I lie to you, Blair?" the boy asked quietly.

"To protect me! But you still love Serena, don't you?"

Nate shook his head. "I love Jenny now."

Blair let out a hollow laugh. "No way." She took off her headband and tossed it aside. "There is a fine line between love and stupidity, Nate. You just crossed it." The golden-haired boy grabbed Blair's shoulder before she walked off. "Please understand." She just pried her shoulder free and slapped him again. "We're done here, Archibald. I don't need your help anymore. You know your way out."

"Quite an interesting drama, eh?" a drunk Serena said from behind Dan.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Dan screamed. "What the hell, Serena? You scared me!"

"Hi, Blair! What are you doing here? We have to talk! Over a martini, maybe?"

Blair looked up. "I live here, remember? And we had that conversation a while ago!" Serena grinned, stumbling down the stairs. "Then let's talk some more!" The brunette girl screamed. "Somebody catch her!"

Nate pushed Blair forward. "Why don't you go catch her?"

A flash of yellow dived down and cushioned Serena's fall.

"Geez, Serena," Jenny Humphrey said. "You had us going there."

"Thank you, Little J," Blair said reluctantly. "Now does anyone have any painless ideas for Serena to get sober? I'd hate to see her be minced by her mom in a hour."

"Did anyone order gin?" someone said from the door.

"Give it to me, Bass. I need my alcohol," Blair said without turning backwards. "Jesus, Waldorf. I would have called 911 for you if you needed this much help to help Serena become sane."

"Shut it. Unless you don't want to do your favorite recreational activity again."

"You'd miss it more than I do."

The doe-eyed girl scowled and grabbed the gin.

"Chuck, what did you mean by that?" Nate asked his best friend. Chuck put a hand on Nate's shoulder. "Nothing, Nathaniel. You don't want to find out."

"What Chuck means is he and Blair sleep together behind your back," Serena blurted out.

"Serena!" Blair said. Dan went down the stairs. "I think I'll leave Serena to you guys. I might hear something I don't want to hear." The blonde girl pulled herself out of Jenny's grasp and walked to her boyfriend. "Stay, Cabbage Patch. Let's play a game. A drinking game," she eyes the bottle in Blair's hands. "Serena, I don't think you should drink any more," Jenny interjected. "Don't talk to me, you social climber! Now everyone else, let's play."

"I think I'm going to leave," Nate said.

"Don't leave yet, druggie!" Serena babbled. "We won't have fun without you!"

"Don't call me a druggie! I'm a different person than my father!" the boy snapped, walking out on them.

Blair took a swig from the bottle of gin. "Well, that's that." everyone stared at her, surprised that she didn't pour the alcohol out into a glass first. "What? Serena dropped all my martini glasses. Needless to say, they broke."

"Now it's getting interesting," Chuck murmured and decided it was time for him to join the chaos. "Dan, did you know that your girlfriend once slept with Nathaniel?"

"What?!" Dan and Blair yelled. "Turn it down," Chuck complained. "Separately, you're both unbearable. Together, you're enough for me to give up alcohol."

"How about sleeping around?" Serena quipped then giggled.

"Very funny, Serena."

"It's so not my fault that you're a glorified man-whore."

Blair sighed. "If your last name is Humphrey, please show yourselves to the door." Jenny and Dan obediently left the house, with the gin Jenny swiped from Blair's hands. "Serena, your mom is due in a few minutes and if she finds you drunk we're both dead meat," Blair panicked.

"Waldorf, you do know that you can't be killed if you're not in the crime scene on the time of death. Let's split. Would you like some dinner?" Chuck asked, grabbing his trademark Burberry scarf.

Blair nodded. "Let me get my coat."

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**Author's Note:**

Please review. I just tried my hand at a comedy, and I want to know if it just sucked, or sucked big time.


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